A Father’s Manifesto

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Why I Make You Close Your Eyes During the Han Solo Bounty Hunter Scene

To my children,

I can promise you precious little in the chaotic world we live in. I can say this, however – no matter what ideas you have, no matter what passions you chase, no matter who you bring into our home, you should always know that you were born into a welcoming family. Regardless of sex, age, race, sexual preference, religion, political leanings, whatever, all are welcome. No ideas will ever be outright spurned, so long as they come from an honest place and that they aren’t based on hurting someone else.

All except one.

There is one belief that you must hold for as long as you live under my roof. There will be no debate. There will be no welcome for anyone in our home who believes otherwise and furthermore, you will provide no quarter for these people under ANY circumstance. These people deserve no mercy, no peace, and should be hunted to the ends of this earth.

These deviants do not believe in the founding core of our family – NAY, the founding core of all that is good in this LIFE.

HAN

SOLO

SHOT

FIRST

You see, my children, Han Solo is the ultimate bad ass, as you know. Don’t tell Mama I said “ass,” but “bum bum” is not a good way to make a point. Anyway…you know that scene where I make you close your eyes when we watch Star Wars? There’s a bounty hunter who comes after Solo and is all “Hey, Han Solo, you’re coming with me,” and Han Solo is all cool, like, “yeah whatever,” and before this guy can kill him, Han Solo says something awesome and shoots him. Like a boss.

Except that in a psychological state far far away, George Lucas, the creator of Star Wars, decided, “Hmm… if I had the time and the resources, I would make it so that Han Solo shoots the guy only after this guy shoots at him first. And misses.”

From 2 feet away.

Unfortunately, all this crazy bum bum (read: ass) HAS are time and resources, so he re-did the movie with Han Solo shooting second, thus CRUSHING my childhood like the garbage smasher on the detention level.

You can see my concern.

Someday I might not instruct you to close your eyes during the part where Han Solo shoots second. Sure, I pretend it’s because it’s too violent, but I didn’t make you close your eyes when Obi Wan cuts some dude’s arm off right before that scene, so that argument goes out the window. The truth is I want you to live in a world where Han Solo shoots first, like I did for most of my young life. Why?

Well, Han Solo is someone who shoots first. But don’t forget that he is ALSO someone who comes back. He’s a hero. And a scoundrel. And that’s why we love him. (He knows.)

Life is hard. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. But it’s also amazing. You have to work at it. You will make mistakes. Hopefully you won’t wind up being in debt to a “slimy piece of worm-ridden filth,” but mistakes happen nonetheless. Some people will let you down and some people will show up right when you need them the most. You have to learn to tell the difference between the two. YOU will let people down and YOU will show up for people when they need you the most. You will stumble and fall but in the end if you keep showing up for life – if you come back Solo-style when your friends need you–then I will have done my job.

You are already smarter than I am, so it’s a little intimidating to have to lead you on the journey to being a good man and a good woman. I don’t know much, but all I know, I will tell you.

I know that Han Solo shot first. I know that I love you both with all my heart. I know that I want to lead the type of life I would want you to live. I know that I will always be here for you, ready for a laugh or a hug.

Until I’m not… but we’ll talk about that another time.

For now, come with me and all the rest we will figure out together. I hope you enjoy the ride as much as I will.

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3 thoughts on “A Father’s Manifesto

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    1. Yeah – I now have an answer to that throw away question “what advice would you give your younger self?”

      Forget the normal responses like “take more changes,” or “spend more time with family and friends.” My answer is forever now the more honest “do not part with the Han Solo shoots first version UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES – you’ll thank me later.”

      Liked by 1 person

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